set for 4/21/15

Comedy underground at beat kitchen... chicago 

I love the song Moon River. But I'd love it more if into segued into Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty

If you could tell in an ultra sound that a babies gay, do you think pro-lifers would change their minds?

Good thing Freddy Krueger isn't real because life's hard enough. 

If lightning moved this slow no one would ever get struck.

Business people use the term lightning round to signify a session where everyone involved wishes they were hit by lightning.

if disney had a hipster land it would be called, Williamsburg. Williamsburg is #urbanlite. 

If you move to Williamsburg and your name is William it's a no brainer, you should change it... to douchebag. 

there are only a few things in life worth your time.  Your family. Some friends. A job. Sleep. Sex. Food. Some entertainment. Some aspects of the news. The occasional sporting event.  

i went to school for journalism. i wanted to write about other people. Human interest stories.  I realized quickly that I don't have a ton of interest in most people on television. Sports figures can be lumped into that group. 

When I was a kid there were cliques. Jocks. Rebels. Plastics, Nerds... It's no great revelation that the nerds have ascended to the level of coolness once reserved for athletes. What I think has become a bit of a discovery is how similarly the nerds have acted. It basically just proves that no matter who becomes popular, the human response is to use your coolness for nerdiness.  

Being tall at a young age was just a way to disappoint my gym teacher without ever having to speak with him.

Bald is sexy. Bald heads, full wallets, can't lose. I have bald dreams. Bald people dream differently than people who have hair. In our dreams we have hair.  And hair is awesome.  You can cut it, shave it, put gel in it, blow dry it, perm in, color it, spike it, mo-hawk it, faux hawk it, let it grow, pull it back, shake it, toss it, curl it, soul glow it, extend it, fro it, mullet it, jennifer aniston it, 

Bald people have two options. Shave your head or let it grow. Cancer patient or Ben Franklin. 

Zoloft, the quest for peace. The desire for peace.  World peace

I'm late to the party. Always.Literally and figuratively. I just started listening to Pearl Jam. Got a beeper. Just started taking Zoloft. 

First of all I'm sorry if any of you get stuck talking to me after the show. I'm just not really fun. I like to talk to people about directions.  Hey how's it going... whats your name? Where are you from? Did you come down 80? 84? Did you park? Meter? Is that alternate side parking. 

People always say, oh man you should have been here last week. It's dead tonight bro! Its crazy cause last week. It was insane. Wall to wall trim man. It was unreal. Cause this is dead. I don't understand it. Last week we got nuts too. All the drinks were free. A truck smuggling drugs broke down on the curb, we were doing key bumps all night 


Quite honestly, I gotta believe, x amount of dollars,